♪ Plaster on my knee again ♪
♪ Worth the bumpy ride ♪
♪ Climbing up that tree ♪
- You know the girl.
Your first real vision of beauty.
The one that all other girls have to measure up to.
- Class, we have a new student today.
Her name is Cristabel.
Everyone, say hi to Cristabel.
- Hi, Cristabel.
- The heavens opened.
And that was it.
The moment I first fell in love.
You know the girl.
The one you run to
so you can breathlessly declare your undying love.
♪ Time to go ♪
♪ My love for her ♪ ♪ Time to go ♪
♪ And I am so fairly calm ♪
♪ Feels like home sweet flying ♪
- But things don't always work out
the way you think they will when you're six years old.
♪ She cries at commercials by AT&T ♪
♪ She sobs at the videos on MTV ♪
♪ But she says it's got nothing to do with me ♪
♪ She's just an emotional girl ♪
♪ She rips off my suits and cuts off the sleeves ♪
♪ And shaves my head while I'm fast asleep ♪
♪ Sometimes I feel she's the princess ♪
♪ And I'm just the pea ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ She's just an emotional girl ♪
♪ That's fine, you're just an ♪
- You want the guitar?
Is, is, um,
is everything okay, honey?
- You just don't get it, do you?
- I don't know.
- Your songs, which suck, by the way,
are always about things I did.
They're not about you being in love with me.
They're always la la la la, Jane shaved my head.
- But you did.
And it's fine, we can laugh about it now, sweetie, that's--
- Why do you think I spray painted your car?
- And I know this one.
Because you were mad?
- I'm leaving and I am taking my drawer.
Fuck this.
I've seen enough talk shows
to know that I deserve better than this.
- Jane!
Okay, okay, um, listen, listen, listen.
- Yeah?
- Are you gonna keep the actual drawer?
- You're an asshole. - No, okay, okay, okay.
You can keep it.
I just don't know what to do with the rest of it
Come on, ooh.
Okay, Jane, you see?
I came all the way down the stairs, you know, for you.
Okay, stop, stop, stop, please.
Let's talk.
No, this is not talking, no!
- You don't know what it's like
to be in love with someone for years
and have absolutely no idea
if they're ever gonna love you back!
You're a loser, Nate Cooper!
- And that's when it hit me.
Yes, she may have overreacted, but Jane was right.
No other girl would ever make me happy.
Cristabel Abbott was the one.
But how could I have known
the hurdles I would have to overcome.
- I have a valentine for you in my backpack.
We just haven't had a chance to give ours out yet.
- I knew I had to find her.
And I knew just who to go to.
My best friend from first grade.
Who shared in the glories that were Cristabel
and the art of nose picking.
Arno Blount.
- Are you tired of doing
hundreds of ab exercises
and not getting the flat stomach you want?
Well, it's time to stop, America,
because you've been going the wrong way.
- That's right, America.
You've been going the wrong way.
Now there's My Ab Away Pro System,
designed with reverse ab action.
The fastest, easiest way - It's all the same.
- to have flat, firm abs.
- My Arn just loves holiday candies.
So we stock them up year-round.
- They make me feel happy.
- Can I get you a Courvoisier or a cocoa?
- No, thank you, Miss Blount.
I'm fine.
- So you got a degree in art history, huh?
- Uh, yeah.
- That means unemployed, right?
- Pretty much, yeah. - Cool.
Means a lot more time to hang, huh?
- Okay.
- So, you wanna know what happened to Cristabel Abbott.
- Well, yeah.
You know, I'm sort of curious as to how everyone is doing
after all of these years. - Everyone, right.
Well, my friend, you came to the right place.
- Wow, that's Cristabel? - Yep.
- You know, 'cause usually 13 is a bad age.
- From the first grade on, she just got hotter every year.
- That's weird.
- Dear lord.
Oh, god, is that, uh?
- June Phigg, the nottie.
- Ooh, nottie?
- It's a very well known law of physics.
The hotness of one girl
is directly proportional to the ugliness of her best friend.
- Wow, June Phigg.
You know, it's sort of sweet
that they stayed friends all these years.
- Sweet?
She's like some hideous dragon
guarding the princess from escape, you know?
- What?
- In order to gain access to the hottie,
the nottie must be appeased.
- You're saying that June is the reason
that Cristabel is still single?
- Of course she is.
That, my friend, is the whole purpose of the nottie.
Cristabel Abbott is the hottest woman in Los Angeles.
But no man will ever win her heart
without getting past that monstrosity.
And she will destroy you.
- No, no, this is fate.
Fate is the reason that she is still single.
Look, I came 3,000 miles to get this girl.
And it's gonna take a lot more than a June Phigg to stop me.
- I like your moxie. - Yeah?
Good.
- You're gonna need to see the file.
Ma!
Bring out the file! - Coming, precious.
- She loves it.
- The hottie and her every move.
This whole thing is about Cristabel Abbott?
- You should see the website.
Now, according to my records,
she has a two-mile jog every morning
past the Santa Monica pier.
She stops at Danny's Beachside Cafe for a light breakfast
of ice blended mocha and fruit salad.
She'll pass the north end of the pier
between 6:15 and 6:18 a.m.
The benches that face the ocean
are the best ones to view her from.
'Cause if you face the other way,
then the sun gets in your eyes
and you lose the whole effect.
♪ Like molecules we fall apart ♪
♪ And slam together in the dark ♪
♪ The dark is where the change is made ♪
♪ And all the best made plans are laid ♪
♪ They turn into a deeper shade of colors, me and you ♪
♪ In places we feel safe to hide ♪
♪ We're both are fragile, was collided ♪
♪ A beautiful array of light ♪
♪ Together mixed with cyanide ♪
♪ A place that we can both agree was meant for you and me ♪
- Oh.
♪ She loves me yeah ♪
♪ Didn't need the lights above me ♪
♪ An angel is dancing in my heart ♪
- Hi, guys.
- Dude, here she comes.
- Hi, guys.
- I love you.
♪ Like molecules we fall apart ♪
♪ And slam together in the dark ♪
♪ The dark is where the change is made ♪
♪ And all the best made plans are laid ♪
♪ They turn into a deeper shade of colors, me and you ♪
- Morning. ♪ She loves me yeah ♪
♪ This wonderful sound surrounds me ♪
♪ An angel is dancing in my heart ♪
- Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
- Were you sniffing me?
- Sorry.
Hey, aren't you Cristabel Abbott?
- Yeah.
- I think we went to school together
back in the first grade.
- Were you that guy
who used to put Vienna sausage in his pants?
- No, as fun as I am with processed meats,
that was Jay Gray.
- You're not that kid
who used to stick pencils up his nose, are you?
- No, that was my friend, Arno, nice guy.
- Well, if we went to first grade together,
and Arno only had one friend, you must be Nate Cooper.
- I don't want to alarm you,
but there's a really creepy albino guy
standing outside the window.
- Hi.
- Oh, that's just my stalker, Randy.
He's completely harmless.
Randall, that'd better be 40 feet away.
So where were we?
Oh, right, my job.
I work as an event planner for this charity group,
which basically means that I get to throw fun parties
for a good cause. - Cool.
- And I'm pregnant.
I'm not sure whose it is, unfortunately.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I'm kidding.
No kids, no boyfriend, no action of any kind.
- Oh, good.
Or not.
- So what is it that you do these days?
Or are you still into finger painting and Smurfs?
- No, no, uh, I,
am a personal trainer.
- You're a personal trainer?
- Yeah.
- Like, at a gym?
- A lot of people mistake personal fitness
for, you know, being built up with roid rage.
But who wants adult acne and a shrunken penis?
Not me.
No, it's a mind, body, spirit sort of lifestyle thing.
You are what you eat and whatnot.
- You should check out my gym.
Actually, my roommate and I
are going there this afternoon for yoga.
So you wanna come?
- Absolutely.
- My roommate, it's June from the first grade.
- Wow, June, pfft, yeah.
- June's really into her health.
She's a vegan so everything she eats is non fat.
- Oh, how delicious.
- I'm so glad we ran into each other, Nate.
- Me too.
- So the gym is at 6th and Ocean,
and here's my number, in case you forget the address.
There, now you can't lose it.
Hey, Cooper.
- Hey.
- You remember June.
- Of course.
Yes, who could forget the lovely June?
- Oh, Jeanette. - Oh, how are you?
- And how are you? - Good to see you.
- You look beautiful. - Aw, Thanks.
- Watch it.
- Oh, sorry.
- Nice.
June and I don't get much action,
so we take what we can get.
Grab a spot.
So Nate here has become a personal trainer.
- Oh, yeah, but you know what, enough about me.
June, what do you do?
- June's a handler at the zoo.
- That's great.
- The only downside is that I'm constantly covered in hair.
Not that I don't already have enough to begin with.
- June has a lot of problems with hair removal.
- I have sensitive skin. - Oh.
- I mean, I've tried it all, you know.
Shaving, bumps and ingrown hairs, Nair.
Nasty chemical reaction, I just.
The only thing I can really do is Jolen Cream Bleach.
- You know what?
If you hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have noticed.
That how, not that I notice now.
I'm not focusing on that at all.
You know, it's natural.
Everybody has it, everybody deals with it, I've got hair.
- Okay, everyone.
Let's begin with downward-facing dog, adho mukha shvanasana.
Good.
And easing into cat pose.
And arching the back.
And moving into downward-facing dog.
Beautiful form, Cristabel.
- That was amazing.
So, Cris, now that I'm back in town,
I thought that it would be wonderful
if maybe you and I could go out to dinner, maybe.
- Yeah, that'd be fun.
- Yeah?
- But the timing's terrible.
Nate, it probably won't come as a huge surprise to you,
but June has never had a boyfriend.
- No. - Yeah.
And all through school,
I went out with practically any guy who asked.
I didn't know the meaning of the word no.
- Sounds like I shouldn't have left town then.
- That's why I made a promise to myself.
I'm not gonna date anyone again
till June has someone special in her life.
- Wow, that is admirable.
But that could be a very, very long time.
- It's just the hard part is going without the sex.
Don't take it personally, Coopie.
You are a great guy.
And if things were different, who knows?
I gotta go.
But maybe I'll see you later.
- Yeah, I'll see you later. - Bye.
- She's not only smoking hot, she's also extremely horny.
And for some unknown reason, I think she likes me.
Oh, I gotta find a guy for June.
There's somebody out there for her.
There's someone for everyone.
- Boys. - Mom,
Nate thinks he can fix up the nottie.
- She's got fur on her toes.
- Mom! - Oh.
- Look, I understand that she has a little bit of a problem
with hair removal.
- Has she tried the new lasers?
Oh, worked great on my bikini line.
Grew back in like peach fuzz.
- That's true.
But what are you gonna do, you know?
What, laser her whole body?
I mean, come on, do you have any idea
what kind of radiation that would entail?
- What if I tell her that she won a makeover, huh?
Just send her to a spa, pretty her up,
somebody will take her. - Please.
You want to flip this chick,
you're gonna have to do a lot more than just mow the lawn.
I got it, sorry.
What if I pay somebody to go out with her?
Pause.
Look, you think that I haven't been trying?
All right, this isn't about a single date.
This is about somebody special in her life, okay?
And you ain't got that kind of blood money, my man.
- Arno.
The history of mankind
is filled with men saying that something cannot be done,
who are frequently interrupted by someone
who's already doing it.
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
I saw it on your wall back there.
That is a beautiful blouse.
Thank you for these, these are, these are,
I don't even know what they're made of,
but they're wonderful.
- Thanks.
Oh, he's sweet.
- The reason I asked you to meet me here,
and like I said, it's-- - Not a date, I know.
- I mean, I couldn't even think about
selfish desires like that, you know?
I am just too concerned about June.
- You've really been thinking about June?
- Oh, yeah.
- That's so sweet.
- And I gotta tell you, I am sickened by the fact
that none of these narrow-minded assholes
can see how beautiful she is, you know,
just 'cause they can't get past a few infected toenails
and some bacne, you know.
- I know, I feel the same way. - Yeah?
And I think that I have found the perfect guy for her.
- What's his name?
- Who?
- The guy who's perfect for June.
- That guy, his name is
Cole Slaw son, Cole Slawsen.
A good friend of a friend, and that guy's name is Mike.
So this is all real.
- So if it's the four of us,
wouldn't you consider that a double date?
- Well, we could just throw those two kids
in a pit together and hope that they come out alive.
Or we could lead them into a friendship
that blossoms into a lifetime of love.
- It would be a major step if we can get her laid.
- Right, well, the whole lifetime of love thing
would just be a bonus.
- It's just that she never has
and I think that a life without orgasms
is like a world without flowers.
- I couldn't agree with you more.
- Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I do.
- Yeah, I gotta go.
- No, no, go.
- Oh. - I can't, ugh, gross.
- Oh.
Other side.
Oh, yeah.
Take it.
Okay, listen.
No, no, okay.
What if I were to tell you
that you could still make the 500 bucks
but all you had to do is go out on a few dates with a woman?
- Does she have a vagina?
- Uh, yeah.
You know, actually, you're gonna have to let me know
if it goes that far?
- Is this woman you in a dress?
- No, no, this is a real woman.
But, but I have to be honest.
She's not necessarily pretty.
- None of my girlfriends have been pretty.
- Good.
- This is nice.
- I'm gonna make her beg.
- Get her dude.
- Oh, these are shoulder blades.
I thought they were wings.
I noticed you from across the bar.
And you know what the first thing I thought was?
- Her daddy must be a baker
'cause she's got such a nice set of buns?
Do you really think all it takes is a few hair plugs,
some porcelain veneers, $250 jeans
to impress a girl like Cris?
Or didn't that occur to you
while you were schlepping away your days
down at the Porsche dealership
to afford a few more of those personal enhancements
Which, by the way, will never hide the fact
that you haven't been laid
by anybody you haven't had to pay for in over a year.
So why don't you and your starry head full of doll's hair
take a little walk back to the bar,
have another shot of Jaeger,
and give my friend here some space
in case a real man comes by, huh?
- Who told you I used to sell Porsches?
- What?
- What'd I tell you?
- Pay our bar tab, bitch.
- What did she say? - What?
- Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, they're here.
God, I'm so nervous.
- Don't be nervous.
Just do like I said.
- Right, keep drinking.
- Well, that and just be yourself.
Okay? - Okay.
- Steel yourself, Cole Slawsen.
- Oh, my name's not Cole-- - Duh duh duh.
- Oh, right.
Like I said, as long as she's female.
- Okay.
- My god.
It has whiskers.
And no teeth. - Uh, no, no.
She has teeth, they're just not the conventional shade.
- Oh. - It's fine, it's fine.
It's fine, come on.
Hello, ladies.
Cole Slawsen, this is Cristabel Abbott.
- Hello.
- And the lovely June Phigg.
- Nice to meet you.
- It speaks. - She's a woman.
- I can't do this
My dingus will fall off.
- You're ruined from your Flash files.
- I'll give you a chunk of it right now,
- Sorry.
- but right released me from my contract.
- I'll triple your offer. - Oh, fine.
- We are too excited to do this, girls.
Woo.
Okay, now, remember to stay focused, okay?
If you start to panic, practice your breathing exercises.
And go into your tranquil haven.
- I am a mighty warrior, fearless and strong.
- I admire your commitment to excellence.
Now, where's that driver guy?
- Captain. - Captain, okay.
I told him to be here by three.
- Ahoy!
Sorry I'm late, folks.
Just had to grab my keys from the rental office, and.
I'm not feeling too well.
Looks like you'll have to find yourself another skipper.
Out of my way.
- Oh, shucks.
- No, no, no.
Breathe.
Look at the beauty.
Drink some of this.
Okay, what we're gonna do now is
what I like to call winging it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We need you for the date.
Now, this is what I'm talking about.
Sun on my face, wind in my hair.
The smell of salt in the air.
Isn't this great?
- Magnificent.
- Uh, okay, June, how's your toe doing?
- Oh, it's a lot better, thanks.
The guy I work with at the zoo,
he works with the gorillas, he actually mixed up a compound
for a silverback who had the same thing, so--
- Okay, um, anyone, another drink?
- Yes, yeah, absolutely.
- Are you okay?
- Never better.
- Cole has a little bit of a problem with acid reflux.
He's fine.
- I also have irritable bowel syndrome.
And involuntary explosive diarrhea, so--
Oh!
Uh, there it goes, I think I need to be excused.
- You know what,
you shouldn't, though. - Yeah, I should.
- You should probably stay around.
- No, I shouldn't.
- There's not even a bathroom close.
- No, I can't do this.
Look at her.
- Sit down.
You know what?
Let's play a game.
We're gonna play a game.
It's gonna be fun, uh,
if the two of you could go anywhere in the world on a date,
where would it be?
- Home. - Okay, you know,
you know what?
This is a question for me, Nate, I'll take this one.
If Nate could go anywhere in the world on a date,
his dream date would be Venice.
- Venice? - Yeah.
- That would be my dream date, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Well, anywhere in particular?
- No, nowhere really.
I just heard it's a really great place to go get lost in.
- Well, it's a gorgeous day out and we're on this boat,
so let's go get some sun.
- Let's do it, Cole Slawsen.
Get our tan up.
♪ I wanna hear you say ♪
♪ Hold me ♪
♪ Love me ♪
♪ Blow me away, yeah ♪
♪ Hold me ♪
♪ Love me ♪
♪ Blow me away, come on ♪
♪ It's just the way that you ♪
♪ It's just the way that you love me ♪
- God.
- Breathe.
- I got this.
I'm a mighty warrior.
Fearless and strong.
Come to papi.
- Nate, good news.
I just lost my toenail.
- Uh.
You know, he's just cooling off.
Coast Guard will pick him up eventually.
♪ One of these days ♪
♪ When you're going through a phase ♪
♪ The wild skies are stuck ♪
- This should cheer us up.
- Good idea, more alcohol.
That'll help.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, pfft, dropped it.
Completely forgot I had this.
They were giving these out
to all the personal trainers in town.
Some sort of a promotion.
- What is it?
- It's a gift certificate to a chichi Beverly Hills spa.
Ah, look at that, it's for two people.
You know what, the two of you should really have this.
I mean, I'm never gonna use it.
- Nate, this is for $2,000 worth of spa treatments.
- You don't say.
- No, you and Cris should go together.
I don't do too well with spa treatments.
They tend to backfire.
- That Cole was an idiot.
I saw plenty of other guys checking you out.
- Stop it, Cris, come on.
I think we both know the only male attention I get
is when they crawl over me to get to you.
- Well, what about that guy who gave you his card
at the mall last week?
- He was a dermatologist.
- Well, he did offer to remove your mole for free.
- That's cool, he could have been flirting, you know?
- You know, I heard somewhere
that 95% of the way others see you
is the way you see yourself.
Stop being so self conscious around guys.
- What am I supposed to do?
Pretend they're all blind?
- I'm just saying you could try to be
a little more alluring and subtle.
Men like a little mystery.
- Absolutely, we do, yes.
Unraveling the fairer sex is one of life's greatest riddles.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm the mysterious type, all right.
Nothing says subtle
like an infected toenail in your ChapStick.
- June, don't be so hard on yourself
- You know what?
It's fine, it's fine.
I know my place in life.
I allow your many suitors to do their oh, I'm a nice guy
so I'm talking to your ugly friend
in the hopes that I might get a glimpse
of your perfect breasts routine, right, Nate?
- You know, June, some people think
our bodies are like an Earth suit.
A vessel that carries our soul
until you pass on from this planet into the next dimension.
- I don't even know what that means.
- Yeah, I'm sort of with her on this one.
- I'm just trying to help, okay?
- Great, well, thanks for the help.
- I'm such a bad friend. - No, that's ridiculous.
You were just trying to help.
Come on, you're absolutely wonderful to June.
- I'm not, I'm horrible.
I really made a promise to be there for her.
You've just been so sweet,
and I'm really becoming attracted to you.
- You are?
- And poor June's in there crying her eyes out.
- Oh, no, no, no, don't worry about her.
She's not crying.
She's probably passed out by now.
- I really like you, Nate. - Yeah?
- And you're gonna think I'm crazy,
but I've thought about you sometimes over the years.
- Really?
- Even kept our old class picture
and still look at it once in a while.
Now, if someone were standing here telling me they did that,
I probably would think they were crazy or a pedophile.
But none of that matters now
'cause I just can't abandon June like that.
- Okay, look, I have a confession to make.
When you told me you that you weren't dating
until June had someone in her life,
I did see her as an obstacle.
I lied about the spa promotion.
I paid for it to give June a stealth makeover.
- That's so sneaky.
- I know, it's awful.
But now I really do want to help her.
And I think I can, but I need your help.
- You know what?
I believe you.
- Good.
Now stick with me.
I got a plan.
- Are you guys sure this won't have any residual effects?
- Define residual.
- Okay, uh, what we're gonna do here today
is a combination of aversion therapy
and do it yourself hypnosis.
- Ma'am?
Excuse me.
- Hi, could I, um?
Are you insane?
No, uh, no.
- Okay.
Mm, isn't it creamy and delicious?
What a delightful reward for your attraction to June.
No, no, this is the good part, stop it.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Let's not dwell in the negative, Cole Slawsen.
Your Medieval Times goblet is half full.
- Huh?
- Okay, uh, get the pendant.
Your eyes are getting very heavy.
No?
I am going to count backwards from 10.
And when I finish, you will only remain conscious
to the sound of my mellifluous voice.
10,
nine,
eight,
seven,
six,
five,
four,
three,
two,
one.
You will open your eyes.
And listen very carefully.
When you see this,
what you actually will be seeing is this.
- Hi, Space Lady.
- Good.
When I count to four, you will wake up refreshed,
but you will remember nothing of what happened today.
You will, however, remember my instructions
until which time you hear the phrase, I love?
- Midget mimes?
- I love midget mimes.
Good.
One, two, three, four.
Uh.
- Oh.
Resistance is futile.
- Wow, you guys look amazing.
- June's going back next week
to get her mole removed finally.
- Well, it looks like Cole and I
are gonna have to take you two supermodels out to celebrate.
Huh?
♪ She's Mary the inventor ♪
♪ She's right out of her mind ♪
- I can't believe I'm doing this.
I haven't had fat or dairy in years.
- Well, whatever you've been doing, it is working,
you saucy minx.
- The spa said June's skin needs fat.
- Yeah, and they also gave me Rogaine for women
and prescriptions for my skin and my toenail thing.
- I'm really sorry if my toenail grossed you out, Cole.
That was really embarrassing.
- How could I ever be grossed out by such a luscious,
pouty lipped intergalactic vixen such as yourself?
Thank the gods you were disconnected
from the Borg Collective through the neutralization
of your upper spinal column neuro transceiver.
- What?
- Cole is a Trekkie.
Isn't that fun?
So that is the highest compliment that he can pay you
in this galaxy or any other.
Let's keep walking.
A little separation is fine.
- You know, Cole, the pier is June's favorite spot in L.A.
- Yeah, I like to come down here late at night,
you know, just when everybody's gone.
That way none of the tourists ask me
to take their picture with them for $5.
- You're a fiery goddess
with a clever tongue to match your stunning countenance.
Oh, you've got a little,
I'll get it.
- You know what,
let's leave these two little lovebirds alone, huh?
- I don't think that's the best idea.
- No, no, no.
It's totally fine. - No, seriously.
- No, they're cute together, come on.
- He's just a little strange.
- We all are in some ways, you know.
You gotta be kidding me.
- Oh, look, Daddy.
I love midget mimes.
- They're called little people, honey.
- Oh, you know, I totally forgot to tell you
that Cole had a traumatic experience with a mime as a child.
Oh, it was awful.
It was his fifth birthday party
and a mime came to perform, and well, unfortunately,
he caught the mime performing personal services
for his mother
But, hey, look, this is fun.
This might be good.
I'm not gonna stand for this.
- Excuse me.
- What?
- Don't mind him.
He's a sad little man.
I'm Johann.
- Uh-huh.
- Sorry there's no antipasti.
This is all I could whip up.
- Nice place.
- Thanks, buddy.
- It's cold and a little windy.
- Here's to new friends.
Cheers. - Cheers.
- Cheerios.
- My god, this view is incredible.
You can even see the Pier from here.
- I like to go down there sometimes.
Hang out with the crowds, people watch.
It can get a little lonely when you're single.
Ow.
So,
Johann are you, uh, are you originally from L.A.?
- No, I grew up in Europe.
My parents run a little mountaineering school
in the Swiss Alps.
I moved here when I was 17 for college.
- Really?
Where did you go to college?
- Harvard.
- Oh, right.
- Oh, it's really not that impressive.
My parents didn't have to spend all that Ivy League money
for me to just become a dentist.
- You're a dentist?
- Yeah, I love it.
It's so fulfilling.
Of course, I did take a few years off after school
for the Marines.
- Uh, let me get this straight.
You went to Harvard, became a Marine,
and now you're a dentist?
- Yeah, I also did a little modeling on the side
just so my folks wouldn't have to swing dental school.
I still do it every now and then just for a kick.
- Oh, my god, I've seen you.
Were you on the cover of July's Men's Abs?
- Yeah, I didn't see it.
I was in Central Asia over the summer
doing Doctors Without Borders.
- My group's done some fundraisers with them.
They really do the most amazing work.
- It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
- Have you ever done any modeling?
You have unbelievable bone structure.
- Okay, oh, look at that.
There's the bread, it was hiding from me.
- This is so weird.
You and Nate have so much in common.
- We do?
How's that?
- Well, you're both really into physical fitness.
And Nate here is a personal trainer.
- A personal trainer?
- Uh...
- Like, at a gym?
- He's more of a lifestyle coach.
Right, Nate?
- Yeah. - Exercise, diet,
the whole nine yards.
- That's it, all nine of them.
- June, if you don't mind me saying so,
you have the most intriguing case of fluorosis
I've ever seen.
Please, excuse my rudeness.
I just always notice teeth.
You never thought about getting them fixed?
- Oh, no, well, I thought about it
but my insurance doesn't cover any cosmetic stuff, so.
- I bet you never had a cavity.
- That's true, I never have.
- You are so lucky.
Most of my patients would love to trade places with you.
- You are so screwed.
- I am?
- He's just buttering up the freak to get to Cristabel.
This is your competition, my man.
- Where the hell did you get that?
- Mom saves the old issues.
Actually, I gotta put it back on her bed
before she realizes it's gone.
- I'm not sure that he's after Cristabel.
I actually think he likes June.
- Well, has he ever technically asked June out on a date?
- Well, not really.
- Any, um, one on one action whatsoever?
- He offered to fix her teeth.
- Then he hasn't closed the door to dating Cristabel.
He's just doing a favor for her hideously deformed friend.
You're going through the front door.
He's going through the back door.
He's a back door man.
It's a time-honored technique.
- No, but what if Cristabel doesn't have a back door?
Or what if it's locked, you know,
and everybody just goes through the front door?
- Oh, I'm not interested in you.
I just want to be friends.
Oh, oh, excuse me, is that my wiener hitting your schnitzel?
Oh!
- What am I gonna do?
- Easy, you shadow him.
- Shadow him?
- Yeah, just make sure they're never alone together
where he can impress her
without you being there to deflect it.
What you can't do is let him show you up in any way, okay?
If he ever tries to take off his shirt in front of her,
you gotta make sure it only happens
over your dead puny body.
- Shirt stays on, got it.
- And secondly, if his shirt ever does come off
in front of her, poke out her eyes.
- Eyes poked out.
- And thirdly, lie. - Lie?
Oh, come on, I thought that the most important rule
in relationships was to be honest.
- I'm sorry.
Are you a former Marine that graduated from Harvard
and fixes needy children's teeth?
I got two words for you, my man: lie.
- The perfect people
left the genetically inferior ones to die.
Save yourself, Nate.
No, no.
I'm not letting you go.
Not on my watch.
Stop!
Stop, please.
This is awful.
- Oh, god, you're telling me?
I'm not even supposed to be in the sun.
I had all my skin lasered last week.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah, I'm nubby.
Johann is making the veneers next week.
- I had to shave down her teeth
in order to take the impression.
She's gonna look like Farrah in '79.
- Can you believe how generous that is?
- Super generous.
And clearly with no ulterior motive.
- Truth is, there is an ulterior motive.
I can show the before and after pictures to new patients.
- That's perfect.
- Just gives me more motivation
to enhance June's natural radiance.
Speaking of natural beauty, let's go.
- Come, guys
- Am I bleeding?
- Only on the inside.
- Cessna, that's a beaut.
- Where? - Right there.
Joann's a pilot.
- Of course he is.
- Do you fly, Nate?
- Yeah, yeah, I fly planes.
That's what I do.
- You fly?
- Yeah.
I mean, to and fro, by and by.
You know, I like to do the flips
and the tubally-hoos and whatnot.
- You're a stunt pilot?
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, not professionally, no.
I just, I like to take the kids up every once in a while.
- The kids? - Needy children
from the ghetto.
Yeah, most of the time it's the first time
they've ever flown.
Oh, god, it's just.
Oh, to see their faces when the g-forces hit them.
I just can't describe it, you know.
It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
- So let me get this straight.
You're not a professional pilot,
yet you risk the lives of children
by doing dangerous stunts in mid air?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
In my flying dream that I have.
Just a little game with the kids.
Didn't I mention it was a dream?
- No, you didn't mention that.
- Oh, yeah.
I could see how you guys were like.
No, it's a great dream that I have, just me and the kids.
Them riding on my back, my wings out like an angel.
Like a male heterosexual angel in the wind.
- Are you done?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Wow, okay, flying dreams.
Well, I for one love flying dreams.
How often do you have
these heterosexual male angel flying dreams, Nate?
- Oh, I don't know, June, what's normal.
Once or twice a year.
- Oh, my god, me too.
And then there's always that second
when you first wake up and you actually believe it happened.
Do you guys ever get those?
- Every night.
- Every night?
- Mm.
- I saw on Oprah that flying dreams symbolize fearlessness.
You can accomplish anything.
- Makes sense.
- You must be extremely advanced in the soul level.
Even Oprah only has them once in a while.
- I don't know about my soul,
but I'm extremely advanced in the body temperature level.
As the expression goes, I am sweating like a racehorse.
- I believe the expression is:
I have to piss like a racehorse.
There was a scorpion on your back.
- There's no scorpions out here.
- Or it might have been a tick.
- Now he's a mountaineering stunt pilot?
- Yeah.
- We gotta figure out something you're really good at.
- Okay, okay, figure out what I'm good at.
I don't know.
What am I good at?
- You used to be good at climbing the rope at gym class.
- Okay, good at climbing rope.
But how am I gonna work that into the routine?
- I don't know.
What did we use to do to impress girls during recess?
- Uh, oh, yeah, yeah, I could dance.
Of course, I'll have to leave out the part
that I wet myself.
- That's the best part. - Okay.
- What else you got in your arsenal?
Oh, what about the kazoo?
Remember, we used to rock the kazoo at nap time.
Wait a minute.
I got the perfect thing.
- What's the perfect thing, hello?
♪ First there is much ♪
♪ Next there's some ♪
- These old coffee houses remind me of the swinging '60s.
Hey, who wants to hear some Cat Stevens?
- Ooh, what a unique piece.
May I?
- Uh, yeah.
Took a little damage recently.
- Oh, I'm sure we can make this old lady sing yet.
♪ Someday ♪
♪ Somehow ♪
♪ You'll find ♪
♪ You'll shine like the sun ♪
♪ Someday ♪
♪ Somehow ♪
♪ You'll find ♪
♪ You'll find what you've been looking for ♪
♪ Someday ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ It's nice to see them fireflies burn the night away ♪
- Oh, no. - Come on, one more, man.
- Oh, it works.
♪ All the ladies in the house ♪
♪ Shake it like that ♪
It's loud in here, huh.
- Huh? - It's loud in here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What's up with all the hats?
- Oh, the Rogaine is working.
Yeah, it's just that weird in-between stage, so.
- Cool.
- Plus, I'm trying to avoid being attacked
by any scorpion ticks.
Heard they were pretty common around these parts.
- Oh, this song is amazing.
- I love this song.
- Care to dance?
- Ooh, I'm gonna sit this out,
but, yeah, I'll hold that for you.
- Yeah, back in the playground days,
I used to charm the ladies.
What?
He stole my mojo. - Ooh, that was hard.
- Oh, come on, I did the collar thing.
I was telling her I wanted to dance.
What did I do wrong?
What, we're gonna let them show us up?
Eh, uh, uh.
Come on, you know you like it.
You know you want some of this, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- This is better than what's out there.
I wish there was a prom in the first grade
'cause I would have rocked it.
- Stop it.
- Hey, we can tango, too, mama.
Come on.
Don't get dizzy now.
♪ Don't you go there ♪
♪ You get the best of me ♪
- Another round?
- Yes, another round would be great.
- Yes, let's do another round.
Wow, look at this.
Back in my country, they call this Swissmania.
Ooh, the hands, no.
♪ Na na na na ♪
- Oh, come on. ♪ You get the best of me ♪
- Come on, one small scrap of dignity left.
- No. - Okay, that's your cue.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me, sorry.
Excuse me.
Move.
- I've known a lot of jealous men in my life,
but you take the cake.
- Well, if Men's Abs in there
would just keep his damn clothes on.
- He was hot! - Oh, he was hot.
He was sweating like a racehorse.
The man sweats urine.
Look, just admit that he's hot.
Johann is hot.
- Oh, so you're attracted to Johann now, is that it?
- No, I'm not, but you are.
And why wouldn't you be?
He's some kind of a damn pod person.
I don't blame you, okay?
He's perfect.
He's the male version of you.
- Oh, so now I'm a pod person.
- No, you're just...
I mean, look at you.
You're out of my league.
You're in Johann's league and I can't compete with that.
- You didn't have to compete.
I was with you.
I really liked you, Nate.
I thought you were different,
that you actually wanted to help June,
and that you wanted to get to know me.
- I did wanna help June. - And you know what?
I am out of your league.
You can't sing.
You can't dance.
You're a terrible athlete.
And a really crappy liar.
I took the time to get to know you, Nate.
I really wish you had done the same with me.
- Cris, Cris, hold on.
Look, I made mistakes.
I lied, I'm not perfect.
But it's still me, you know, Nate Cooper.
- I'm sorry, Nate.
It's over.
Oh, come on.
- Here's your car, Loser.
- When you just can't hide your abs,
and that's why everyone is looking for a product
that gives them the most effective workout possible.
You see, exercise should be safe, effective, and fun.
And, of course, get you results.
Time is one thing we all wish we had more of.
- Look at you.
You sad, sad man.
Pfft, well, I'm crashing your pity party.
Oh, yeah, it may be too late for me.
But there's still hope for you.
Ow!
You dick!
I can hear you.
You're a foot away from me.
- Look, okay, there's gonna be a whole world of ow
waiting for you if you give up now, Nate.
It's like a wise old lady once said.
If you give up on your dream, you die.
- Are you quoting me Flashdance?
- There's only one person that can help you now.
She'll meet you at Danny's Beachside Cafe at five o'clock.
Five o'clock.
- Hey.
- June?
- Oh, that's what they usually call me.
- Your teeth.
- Oh, yeah.
Johann did the veneers yesterday, what do you think?
- Wow.
You look so normal.
- Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
- Oh, my god.
I'm sorry.
Just more evidence
of my staggering lack of insight into women.
- No apology necessary.
I mean, come on, I think I look a hell of a lot better.
- Yeah, I'd have to agree.
Wow, you look great. - Thanks.
Oh, and okay, on my way over here,
I'm not certain, but I think I was catcalled.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, I know for most women
that's like a hideous daily occurrence,
but when the guy with the rattail and the mullet
did this thing where he put his hands like--
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it, mm-hm.
- Okay, well, anyway, I looked all around
and I realized I was the only woman in sight.
I mean, he was talking to me.
I was so excited, I almost went over and hugged him.
I swear to god.
- You didn't, though, did you? - Please.
Even I have my standards.
- I don't know, though, he could have been the one.
- So many rattails, no little time.
- It's a little bit of a shock to the system.
You have a whole new look.
- Oh, start.
Well, to be quite honest with you,
it's not exactly all mine.
I borrowed the top from Cristabel.
- Ah, I thought there was something about it
that made me wanna shoot myself.
- Poor Nate, oh.
What?
Do I have a booger in my nose?
- No, just,
I'm happy for you.
- Happy for me, too.
- Oh, good, I'm glad we agree on something.
- Well, finally.
- Hey, Randy.
Hey, Stan.
- Hey, Nate. - Hi, Nate.
- Here, I want you to try some of mine.
- Okay. - Just try it.
Is it better?
'Cause I think I got the better one.
- No, I got the better one.
- You gave yourself the better one?
- Yeah. - That's so unfair.
I'm the guest.
- You didn't know and I'm selfish, so.
- That's a good point.
I wouldn't have known.
So, how's Johann?
- Good.
I don't know.
- That was a steady decline. - Yeah.
- Well, I mean, he hasn't made a move yet, you know,
so I can't really tell whether he likes me or not.
Anyway, what's to like, right?
- What's to like?
Oh, come on, what does that mean?
There's plenty to like.
- Such as?
- Okay, you can really hold your liquor.
- Oh, sarcasm will get you everywhere.
- Let me ask you a question.
Is this pointless?
Am I ever gonna have another chance with Cristabel?
- Oh.
Yeah, of course you will.
Because, um, because I'm gonna tell her
to give you another chance.
You know, our annual costume party is a week from tonight,
so you'll both be there.
- Well, that's great. - Yeah.
And you are going to be yourself for once.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Please. - Listen,
we've built this friendship around trust.
I think we need to keep it there.
- All right. - Okay.
- Okay, well, if we're both being so honest,
- Yeah? - why don't you
bring your crappy car
and that guitar you clearly don't know how to play?
- Okay, as long as you bring
that foxy yoga outfit with the granny panties
I love so much. - Don't make fun.
God, I mean, who really wants to go to a party
as the girl who's never been kissed anyway.
- What?
No, that's not true.
I totally planted one on you at the yoga place.
- Are you out of your mind?
- No, I'm not out of my mind. - That was not a kiss.
That was you falling into me. - That's what I did.
I got the, okay, fine.
♪ And I won't let go ♪
Oh.
Well.
I'm sorry.
I, uh, I don't know why I did that.
- You don't know why you did that.
- No.
- Right.
- June.
- I think you should just go, Nate.
- June, listen, I'm trying to figure--
- Nate, get out of here before your girlfriend gets back.
- Excuse me.
Vroom.
Traffic's heavy today.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Oh, you better have insurance.
Vroom.
Whoa.
Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Oh.
- There's my girl. - Hi.
- Mm. - Mm.
- Mm, come on.
I wanna show you off to my friends.
- Okay. - Looking good, buddy.
Looking good. - Yeah, you too.
- Oh, by the way, I talked to Cristabel
and I smoothed everything over,
so she's really excited to see you.
Although, I should warn you,
she's a little bit, you know.
- Oh, Coopie.
What can I say?
I've always wanted to be a bride.
Every little girl's dream, right?
- Right.
Listen-- - Shh.
You don't have to say a thing.
June told me what happened.
- She did? - Yep.
You were just being protective of my little Junie.
- Oh, yes, right.
- I may have misjudged you, Nate Cooper.
Oops.
Don't worry, it wasn't a smelly one.
I can tell by the way they sound.
- That's good.
- Shit!
- Sorry.
Uh, listen.
- I think I read somewhere
about white wine getting out red wine.
- Okay, I don't know if that.
Oh.
Oh, god. - It's not working!
It's not working!
- Oh, you know, I think Grace Kelly and I need a minute.
Come on. - Bye.
♪ Take a step back ♪
♪ Woo hoo ♪
♪ Take a step back ♪
- Oh, hey there, little buddy.
Just about to finish these pesto Gorgonzola torte rings.
Why don't you have a taste and let me know what you think.
- They're wonderful.
Of course, absolutely wonderful.
You're wonderful.
Everything you do is wonderful.
I've never seen June happier.
- Thanks, pal.
- Don't mention it.
- It was a lot of work, but once I put my mind to something,
I always get what I want.
- You know what, fine.
I'm happy for you guys, okay?
I was wrong.
You and June actually make a great couple.
- I know.
Isn't she amazing?
- Yeah.
Yeah, she really is.
- I mean, now that she's got some confidence in herself
there are plenty of guys who'd love to have her.
New teeth, hair.
She's almost beautiful now.
Women like June are just so much more grateful.
Yeah, she worked hard.
And I think tonight, it's finally time for her reward,
if you know what I mean?
What's wrong?
Did I use too much basil?
- Nate, what are you doing?
- Deep breaths through the nose.
One one thousand, two one thousand.
- Oh!
- All right, everyone.
Party's over, out!
- Aw!
- One grain of happiness.
One grain of happiness in my entire life.
- Look, I understand that you're upset.
But Johann happens to be the devil.
- Shut up.
The night of date five,
when it's okay for a consenting female adult
to have sex without being considered slutty.
- June. - The night
I was going to become a non-virgin
and leave this freakfest behind.
- June, listen. - Shut up!
I helped you.
I could have shot you down
and Cristabel would never have returned your calls.
- He doesn't love you.
He said that you would be grateful.
- I am grateful.
You don't get it, do you?
- I don't know.
- I've never even had a boyfriend.
- He doesn't get you.
He doesn't deserve you.
- Oh and you think people get what they deserve in life.
You think they get the fairy tale ending.
- I don't know.
Maybe, yeah.
You know, if they're not willing to compromise.
If they're not willing to settle for anything less.
- Yeah.
Well, knowing what you are is also knowing what you're not.
I'm not the girl the guy runs to
to tell his feelings for her all out of breath.
- Why couldn't you be?
- Because not everybody gets
that out of breath sort of moment.
That's okay.
Most of us are just happy to date a guy
who brushes his teeth.
That's the thing about fairy tales, Nate.
They're just not true.
- Nate, she's a big girl. - Yeah, I understand that.
- It's sweet how protective you've been,
but if June wants to be with Johann tonight,
then that's her decision to make.
Anyway, it's not like she agreed to marry him or anything.
It's just one night.
- Well, somehow I don't take comfort in that knowledge.
- Relax, Nate.
You did it.
You found someone for June.
And a deal's a deal.
Now that June gets what she wants,
we can get what we want.
Oops, I forgot.
I have a confession to make.
I was kind of testing you tonight.
- What do you mean?
- This tacky dress, acting drunk and anxious to get married,
and spilling the wine all over my dress.
It was all an act.
- Why?
- Well, when you really care about someone,
you're willing to overlook their flaws.
And I just wanted to make sure that you liked me for me.
Come with me.
I got something to show you.
♪ Here's to the words ♪
♪ Here's to the songs ♪
♪ Here's to my troubles, if I got it all wrong ♪
♪ Here's to what is and what can't be undone ♪
♪ Here's to the one who wrote ♪
♪ Here's to the sun ♪
♪ And above all else and above all this ♪
- Here's to finding your perfect match.
♪ Look out, baby, you've got a lot of love ♪
- Pick one.
♪ Look out, baby, you've got a lot of love ♪
- You have excellent taste, Mr. Cooper.
- Thanks.
- So why don't you go light some candles?
June has some in the dresser in her room.
- Mm.
So, was your father a baker by any chance?
- No, why?
- 'Cause you've got such great buns.
♪ Let's not go talking abut things that I've done ♪
♪ It's not how it is, it's just how it's spun ♪
♪ And I've got you ♪
- I wanna become a non-virgin.
♪ Look out, baby, you've got a lot of love ♪
♪ Coming ♪
♪ Your eyes, your eyes, your eyes, your eyes ♪
♪ Your eyes ♪
- Shh, don't make any sudden moves.
She's trying to strangle herself with her hood.
- I just wanted to give her this.
♪ Your eyes, your eyes, your eyes ♪
♪ Hold the future ♪
- Thanks, I guess.
♪ My heart ♪ ♪ Your eyes, your eyes ♪
♪ Is wide open ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Look out, baby, you've got a lot of love ♪
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
♪ Look out, baby, you've got a lot of love ♪
- Listen, I think, oh, okay.
Uh, can you please put your robe back on?
- Okay.
It's the first time anyone's ever asked me to do that.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
Um, I think that I just want to talk.
- Okay, sure.
Nate, you can turn around now.
- Right, right.
Turning, turning around.
Oh.
Uh,
it's just,
why me?
- What do you mean?
- There are a million guys who would kill
to be sitting here with you right now.
Why did you pick me?
- I didn't pick you.
- You didn't? - No.
It was fate, magic, serendipity.
- Right, and that's what I thought, too,
but why did you think so?
- Well, you know, after all these years
of not seeing each other
and then how we literally ran into each other at the beach.
- Oh, about that.
I tracked you down.
And I found out you were gonna be at the beach that day.
And I followed you.
- You stalked me.
- Stalked is a big word.
Uh, listen, ever since the first grade,
I thought that you were the girl
that I was meant to be with.
- And now you think you made a mistake?
- Let's put it this way.
I think I gave the valentine to the right girl.
- Oh, my god.
You have to go tell her.
- Are you sure?
- Nate, I'll be fine.
It's not like I have trouble getting dates.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
Um, okay.
- Go. - Okay, yeah.
- Way to go, June.
♪ She said that love, love ♪
♪ Love is just a color in the shade ♪
- June?
♪ Like black and white when mixed ♪
♪ Will gather from the life I tried to save ♪
♪ She won't call me, call me ♪
- I'm so sorry.
♪ She never cried, she never cried ♪
♪ She sent me out, with her and only ♪
♪ She called it love ♪
♪ She just loves to see my sorry eyes ♪
♪ With her eyes only ♪
♪ Now I'd love not to be found ♪
♪ I can't wait to see her sorry eyes ♪
- Don't say a word.
I came here not to tell you that Johann doesn't deserve you,
which you already figured out for yourself.
And not to tell you that I am in love with you, which I am.
Desperately.
My entire life,
something has been holding me back from falling in love.
And I thought that it was Cristabel.
But I realized that I've just been fumbling my way to you.
My last girlfriend, her name was Jane.
That's one letter off.
I don't even know what that means, that's dumb, I'm sorry.
Listen, I don't deserve you.
Because I didn't take the time to see who you were.
And you have to know that you're the girl.
You're the girl that the guy runs to.
You're the girl.
- You're,
you're out of breath.
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ You wanna shout it out ♪
♪ You wanna shout it out and by the sound of it ♪
♪ Well, you wanna come back, baby ♪
♪ Wanna come back now ♪
♪ Out and by the sound of it again ♪
♪ You wanna shout it out ♪
♪ Taken aback love ♪
♪ By the silence hanging overhead ♪
♪ But still you can't realize ♪
♪ You were better off where you began ♪
♪ Because your chances, your chances ♪
♪ Depleted, depleted ♪
♪ The silence, the silence ♪
♪ Is heated, is heated ♪
♪ You lost him but found all your reasons, your reasons ♪
♪ The movement is pulling you in ♪
♪ You wanna shout it out ♪
♪ You wanna shout it out and by the sound of it ♪
♪ Well, you wanna come back, baby ♪
♪ Wanna come back now ♪
♪ Out and by the sound of it again ♪
♪ You wanna shout it out ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ You wanna should it out and by the sound of it ♪
♪ Well, you wanna come back, baby ♪
♪ Wanna come back now ♪
♪ Out and by the sound of it ♪
♪ Well, you wanna come back, baby ♪
♪ Wanna come back now ♪
♪ Out and by the sound of it ♪
♪ Well, you wanna come back, baby ♪
♪ Wanna come back now ♪
♪ Out and by the sound of it again ♪